As I'm reading curious will's profession of love I'm sitting here wondering how odd life can be. He's so damn smitten. He really is in it...the love thing. He really is in Luuuuvvvv. love. love. like I wanna bump you..i want feel you...i want to be in you and swim in you....and be quiet with you. he's just in love. And i'm just in....God only knows what I'm in.
I'm over bein married ya'll. Let me put it straight. Let me say it how its. I LOVE that man. I love what he's given me. I love his beautiful beautiful body and his soft vulnerable soul and his voice, deep like the bottom of a well echoing..I lose myself in the comfort that deep base brings me. But I'm truly and really over bein married.
Nah, I can't say its the married part. I love my husband. I do. But I am OVER livin with a man. See, I tell all these smitten folks...wait until you spend every private moment you'd have with yourself in your own space in your own apartment...and somebody's there. I think its just against my nature I think. And I think its different for a lot of women. With men, well, I don't know how it works...but with women, why is it that men Lovvvee to try and tell you how to do it, when to do it, why you're doing it and where you'll do it.
What makes you think I care what the hell you think I should do with whatever I'm doin. I don't give one rat's ass. That's always been my problem (or maybe my power), ask any man that's tried to show authority over me..it aint gonna work. it's just not. I don't care. I'll humor you for a while...years even. But eventually, you realize and I realize...man, this bitch is trying to grow me a pussy. That's not really the case. I'm just protecting mine from you trying change it, overuse it, disrespect it...and really just annoy the hell out of it. I guess I don't understand the concept of someone making decisions for me. I can't accept that I need to be taken care of and that I should be docile, neat, submissive.
But yea, I know...I picked my mate. I should know that not all guys are going to try and change me. I wanted the strong bull of a man with big hands and a gentle touch. Yea, yea yea. I know. But that kinda guy has no desire to be trying to deal with an opinionated, loud executive supermama with one hell of a mouth on her...It's like Margaret Cho and LL Cool J....yea, mmmhmm..yea, its sweet its sexy, its powerful its uhhh..yea, its pretty nice. For a while. Then Cho girl has to tell LL to stop playin...I don't CARE u think my gay friends will cramp your style. If ShayShay's really a man and u didn't know...SO?! What will folks say?(LL protesting the influx of gayness in his life) Then Cho girl will say..you want me to do what? B#$# pleeeze...I have things to do - like work, feed myself and my family, pay the bills, call so and so about such and such...hon...I got things to do...and I don't feel like hearing about what a real woman is like and how I don't fit that roll.
Yea, its fun at first, Cho girl loves being treated like a princess. But then she gets princess syndrome. The pedestal gets pretty stale and lonely after a while it becomes demeaning. It ends up being a wall instead of a thrown. When you are a womanish kind of woman...a woman who will always be who she is and have no shame or fear in it...LL just might not be your man. He wants a woman that will bend down when he says so and kiss those pecks or nipples when HE says to kiss...go get him some chapstick for his beautiful brown big lips...put on that dress cuz I like it...
Some girls (and I call them girls) are into that.
I am not.
I love my fine ass, man. I really do. But I'm a woman. I earned that title. I worked hard to be a woman. And NO MAN is going to define WOMAN for ME.
But I think what's best is that my husband live next door, give this woman her space and let her be.
LET ME BE, goddammit.
And I just wish he was the blog reading type, but he's not.
Its weird. Its like I have no desire to not be married to him. I want to be married to him...but I have to be realistic.
I'm not happy right now. And I don't think he's too happy either. And the worst thing in the world is fussing and fighting around kids. Its just tacky for all parties involved.
So let's try this. I love you, husband. But I'll love you more if you get your own apartment.

Comments

  1. Hey Sweetie. I just read this one. Too much to say on here. I owe you a phone call.

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