Today I'll be removing some bad looking precancerous cells....yay Pap for finding them early! I shall be "leep"ing today. I'm not really nervous about it. I'm just going....damn, but yay, but damn..but yay.
When folks leave my office, its always with "mixed emotions."
Today I have that.
So with mixed emotions I'm making a vow to NOT have mixed emotions. I will do my best to commit to an emotion and honor it.
I'm watching VH1 classic and right now Jimi just finished the Star Spangled Ode to our brothers dying in war. That's what I call it. Over the years as I realize now that I really feel I know what he meant when he played like that. Rough, mean, so sweet, tearful...sexy, romantic. He's at war. He's sending a tribute to the boys at war every time he plays. He's playing the soldier's song. He imitates their machine guns spraying and their screams when they feel the machine gun tearing up their bodies. He's saying, man I'm in one shit of a world..but I lovvvve playing my guitar.
He's so beautiful. There are so many times I wonder why I was born now. Like why was I not at Woodstock? Why wasn't I on the Berkeley campus on my soapbox?
Maybe I'm full of it. Because I always play it safe....I don't believe in ranting my opinion. I still adhere to the rules of the ultimate party in my opinion -- the Dinner Party...which strict rules say you must do your very best to not embarrass, corner or insult your party. You love them and stuff them with food and drink.
Maybe I was saved from the 60s because I'd be so depressed knowing I lived through that generation repressed and not expressing my true flower power wild child self. What if I didn't even know the tunes of Sweet Honey in the Rock back then or I was one of the avid church goin' folk that thought the Black Panthers were causing problems for black folks. Would I stand loudly and proudly with Gloria Steinem and Marcia Gillespie (the Ms. Queens) or would I just sit back and let them do the marching while I did the watching. Would I be in or out?
I wonder. Only God knows.
I told my boss that God is definitely a man. No woman would give another woman all these aches and pains. At least we live longer. mwahahahahaaaa

had a thought...lost it.
watched a movie about very sad jewish people on sundance.
watched the ritual of women cleansing a dead woman's body by washing it in rain water (or melted snow) in order to purify her in the eyes of God. I don't give it justice in my description.
I was reading on a friend's blog about a Muslim tradition that sounds pretty much like praying the rosary when you're away on a retreat. I used to hang out with nuns a lot. (really...I did.) and I loved joining them in the prayers and I so miss praying my rosary.
I think on my little leep holiday I'll show Amelia how to pray the rosary. I used to be very good about going to church on sundays because I enjoy service so much. But going by myself or with a fidgity baby is just hard sometimes.
The problem with Catholic church is that on top of all the nice ceremony and the meditation and prayers...there's the pile of guilt they load on with every serving. It's quite obnoxious to strict Dinner Party constituents. How rude, I muttered after the old priest got up and made some old school declarations basically alienating everyone in the church from each other. It was so subtle, I don't think anyone even knew what happened.
That's how Catholic guilt is...you don't even know you have it all over your face like that stray spinach strand in your teeth. Until you come home, look in the mirror and cry out in horror. I'M SO WRETCHED. You get over it real quick, pick out the guilt and move on...but deep down..you're horrified everyone saw it. THAT my friends...is the old priest deciding the spew his oldness all over us.
So yes, beautiful the rituals...amazingly calming and strengthening. Leave it to us ladies, it would be JUST that...but you put an old repressed homo up on the pulpit or a zealot woman hating closet freak in charge and you get madness.
I'm really NOT a man hater...I'm just honest. Old men on pulpits have ruined religion for me. A few thousand years of that crap and old soul gets tired. I'll take my Daily Oms and my allegiance to the Dinner Party. I'll still go to church and get my lovin from the almighty. But lord knows next time I'm telling that old fart he has something in his nose. By the way, this is NOT the same priest that christened Amelia...he's one of the truly good ones.

Comments

  1. Anonymous3:59 PM

    Mama, I am sure that your surgery went very well. Just please make sure you lay low; meaning no roller blading, no hiking,no mountain climbing (at central park), nothing extravagantly strenuous on the body. I.e, do nothing you will normally do on a normal Fran day...lol.
    Hope your doing ok. Let hubby take care of you and lil' meeli.

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