RE: school, babies, marriage, the north vs. the south

 

For some reason my bones are aching in my right hand. Carpel tunnel syndrome? I hope not. But I have been on the computer a lot and I’ve already done two papers, which one has to be revised because I need to think of an original outside of the reading assignment analogy to pontificate upon (I will not bore this blog with further details.) My financial aid seems to be in the process and things seem to be rolling along well. I’m excited. I’m also sad because I’m packing like a fiend. I’ve been here since April so between 5 & 6 months. I’ve gone to the zoo, a book festival, an art festival, Stone Mountain Park, Wade Walker Park, Hawkeye Park, Jekyll Island, An Easter family gathering, a 4^th of July family gathering, A birthday/Joey in town family gathering, 5 pool visits, 3 cul-de-sac and new sidewalk stroller walks…let’s see what else…a trip to Greenville, SC, oh and launching an online business! And then there’s all the bonding Amelia was able to have with all her family, especially her Glamma.

It was a fun packed spring and summer that makes heading back to the city almost a drag. I’m complaining throughout the entire packing process. I’m fighting with Shane on the phone as much as possible – and I don’t think its my fault, mostly. The only thing I really look forward to is sleeping in my bed and my knitting group. And the gym. I really, really miss my gym. I’ve put on 20 lbs, I’m sure. Harlem, thankfully, is fun. I’m broke so there might not be a joyous welcome back trip to Carol’s Daughter, but I will find other ways to fill my days with joy. I should be happy to go to my husband, but all our petty arguments remind me why I took such an extended time away in the first place. I find places to be joyous and I fill my life with things to make me joyous. I travel, I play, I read, I knit, I write, I sing, I dance, I walk, I chatter with everyone and try to make the last conversation meaningful and heartfelt. I act as if I died tomorrow I’d have no regrets because I lived. I don’t wait to live, I just live. We all do, but I sort of have this dark premonition that I’ll die young and I better make every day amazing. Hopefully, it’s just the effects of my grandmother’s constant tendency to think that she’s ailing away but will in fact most likely outlive of us because she’s just that kind of sturdy. And as I was telling someone the other day, God doesn’t give someone that many trials and tribulations in their life to just throw it away in a moment. I think he considers that is best work and that ornery side effect is a part of the sturdy soul inside.

I also applied, got accepted and enrolled into a Masters in Education program at SUNY Buffalo. That is truly joyous because if there is one place all my interests can be summed up in – education. I love to learn. And that love of learning makes me what to teach. And my resume was so in this strange place of lots of experience, but not quite enough and I think more education can boost me to another level, hopefully.

I feel being here I was surrounded by people who really believe in me. I was surrounded by the people who made who I am in the first place. The ones who let me dream big and never ever doubted my ability or sincerity. My family has been my foundation and having to start my own family with its own foundation is just insane. We’re so different. He doesn’t get my humor, my ideas and he doesn’t ever read anything I write, which is a big deal. In other words, does this man know my soul? Does he care? Sometimes, when it comes to the stable hardworking in sickness and health dutiful areas, I think he’s perfect. But as for caring about who I am and thinking that person inside is beautiful the way she is (inside) I’m not feeling it. Like in Happy Feet, the little penguin had his own heart song that went against everything that was institutional. I feel that Shane is institution and I am the rebel just trying to be herself. When I go home I know what’s going to happen. Amelia is going to be a normal toddler climbing, screaming, breaking, testing boundaries. Totally normal. But my husband, trust, will see this as me not raising her right and not teaching her discipline over the last 5 months.  I will want to have friends over and go out on more dates, he will think I’m being a word I still cannot figure out -gladdis – someone shallow and unfocused and prone to gallivanting is what I figure the definition to mean. He will say I cannot think for myself that I have my friends to do it for me. He seems to be incapable of thinking that I may have friendships that are actually positive for me and that person, where we provide advice and comfort when needed, but its mostly about appreciating each other being there for each other.

I want my husband to be my best friend in the idea that we can talk about anything and I know we won’t criticize each other. Hopefully, my absolute support in whatever endeavor he chooses to embark upon will in turn one day be reciprocated.  Some days, marriage is great. Other days it’s torrential. My mother is of the opinion that I’m trying to get too much out of him, he has a simpler approach to life and I have a complicated and often too wordy way of dealing with things. Stop telling him so much and you’ll get along better. Sadly, that’s quite unfulfilling for me.  The summer is at an end and my worries begin. But I’m not going to look forward with too much concern. I’ll take every day like I usually do,one step at a time.