Impulsively trying to find peaceful solutions in a bad, bad world

I get's it's just a part of who I am. But as I grow, I just try to learn to look at things calmly. I try to take time, but when you see no light, sometimes you find the brightest lights and run towards them. Sometimes, it's false hope, but sometimes it actually changes your life forever and leads you in the direction you are to go. Following a whim sometimes leads to the biggest blessings entering your life. This week's Person of the Week on ABC News was a woman who always realized that as a police officer, who after years on the force was always saddened that the most poverty and strife ridden houses were usually lacking books. She remembered that as a child also, as the eldest of 12. One day on a false alarm burglary call, she came into an abandoned warehouse with over 10,000 children's book. They were set to be destroyed because they were rejects from the publishers. She quickly made contact with the owner of the books, they within a very short period distributed the books all over town. Now she's inspired cops in dozens of towns to carry books in their trunks to distribute to the kids. That's a positive way of acting on gut and impulse after life opens a surprise behind a door. For me, that story was pretty powerful because I kept wondering how many things, as the oldest of 12 she had to endure and how she chose a life that would impact others in a positive rather than a negative. I just grasped onto her story because I love the idea that life and things that come out of left field, or a life full of curve balls or fouls still can end up with a win in the end. But it's having faith that some of the devastation of today are making me stronger for life's battles and scores ahead. It's the only way to look at it. As I still rage and throw fits of just absolute disgust at the shambles that seems to be my life, I realize that it's kind of like, well "just a game." People are rebuilding today from financial ruin, hurricane devastation, being stranded with no gas, losing their home, filing bankruptcy, adulterous affairs, losing children, all sorts of daily life crapola happening. Enough is happening to the average Americans that one can easily find a soap opera character to relate to in this day and age. Their wild ups and downs are pretty much a lot of what most people are facing today. Oh yea, right. The whole town was destroyed and he lost all his savings in some scam and she's been cheating on him the whole time. That's a Days of Our Lives and reality. My reality is that you can have the most beautiful healthy, goal-driven, God-blessed, faithful life and you think you're sharing that journey with your life partner, instead you realize you're facing most of your life alone. My reality is that emotional abuse is still abuse and it's understated, misunderstood and truly a daily part of millions of women's lives. My reality is that I feel like a bowl of Rice Krispies, snap crackle pop. This girl's snapped. Not like the TV show. More like Fuccccck Youuuuu! You can't treat me this way! She's like at her wit's end. Some may say, well there she goes, she doesn't know up and down. Well, that's not true. I know right and wrong. And I know when enough is enough. I know healthy relationships vs. unhealthy. I know love vs. hate. I know I'm a big girl, but still vulnerable and sensitive. I know I have loud, brash ways, but a heart of gold. I know I'm insecure, but I don't try to put others down for my insecurity. I know I fight back when I feel threatened. I know that I do what I can to get through and I know that I'm like a billion other people feeling the the same emotions and the same trials. I just know that and some point, one must call it and say enough is enough and pray for the strength to deal with things ahead. But as my article for class shows, the battles women have instilled for years once children are introduced into their lives are a challenge that are not even close to being recognized as real issues by the general public. They are the "suck it up girl" "just get through it" issues. Like accepting lower pay, like accepting only 6 weeks of maternity leave, like accepting your role as mother and sacrificing everything else important to you, like accepting what many modern Americans call old fashioned values. I admire so many people I know challenging these. I'm so proud of them for not succumbing the backwardness that most of the world would like to dictate to most of the women on the planet. But I also give a warning and an honest HEY, You, listen up response to all those women swearing they are balancing career and family just fine. You can only do it with one thing: a supportive, open-minded, loving partner by your side. Whether its a spouse, family member, friend or whatever...saying that they will be there for you and your family. Or you do it alone. And you try to live with peace of mind but with struggles only God knows how to get you through. Most women I know opt for peace of mind and are forced into raising families on their own. I'm probably joining that boat one of these days. My anger wants me to hit the red button and annihilate this marriage now. But life has to play that hand for me. I need a few more hands. This economy has taken a toll on me as well. I just watch and wonder how it's all going to play out. Hopefully, sooner than later so I don't keep wondering or making bad decisions. But I'll try my best not to be too impulsive, too full of bouts of insane rage, anger, sadness and defeat. I'll try to change perspective and say that these challenges leaving battle scars are making me stronger and wiser for the bigger challenges ahead. I've reached more than 400 posts on this blog. In all these posts, I've been matrimonially-challenged. But I get through it. I post paintings. I post cute kid pictures. I pontificate on the ways of the world. I try to use this as a place to get through those challenges. By making it a beautiful space of my favorite things. I get to be self-absorbed in the only place besides canvas I get to be. That's not a bad thing. That's a healthy, individual sense of self growing - in a land of responsibilities where I'm forced to be mostly selfless. And today, I still use this space as my tool for purging and sharing. I grow more insecure and I wonder how many trips along the way my insecurities are going to give me. But I keep on movin on. I realize that I can only be patient. If I am too impulsive, I will wreck my life. If I am too passive I will be trampled in the process. I'm not blessed with the nerves to deal with most things with a cool demeanor. I also am not good at putting icing over a busted cake either. I'm just trying to keep on keeping on. That's really all I can do. I refuse to let grief and all those other scavenger emotions get me down. But I am going to feed them ice cream and sweets now. And I'm going to curl up to a weepy movie. And I'm going to say I'm crying because the characters are just so deep. And I'm going to be wearing flannel pjs. And I'm going to take a bubble bath.

Comments

  1. Hi!
    Thanks so much for stopping by. I really resonate with your outlook on life and dealing with things primarily in a spiritual fashion.

    The other day I was talking to a healer friend of mine. About Law of Attraction stuff, about being a peaceful person etc...and while at our core we ARE that loving divine peace, I'll always say that sometimes a girl's just gotta get Pissed Off. And that's ok.

    Re: matrimonial stuff: you'll always know what's best for you and how much discord you are willing to take. Are the benefits outweighing the disadvantages?

    I hope you are having a peaceful day. :)

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