finding peace in the nest

Oh my. It has been so long. I think I am finely ready to poke my head out of my little nest and start communicating again. I've been talking, but quietly. So much has been on my mind, but mostly, settling into southern living again. I have a new home, separate from my spouse, perfect for myself and my two little girls. God willing, Gracie will be here healthy and happy by the end of next month. I've had a good pregnancy. If it says anything of her temperament, she's one mellow chica. It's like something dramatic happens and we both are like...ummm, yea....as the saying goes, no problem, mon. Tek it easy. But that doesn't mean I'm not full of hormones and insecurities. I thought it was writer's block, but I think it was just trying to figure out Harlem Mama outside of Harlem. What am I supposed to say now? I was having a strange identity crisis. My New York self seemed to be a bit peeved at my roots for dragging me back to my most comforting domain. I wanted to come home. And I did. And I love every minute of my decision. Not one regret. I just wish I would open up and talk about it more. It's a bit shaming to admit defeat in the marriage arena, even if it isn't my fault. It still sucks. It's hard to explain that we take co-parenting very seriously and that even though we are miles apart, we are both all up in our children's lives, making sure that they know we both love them. My stepson has had big changes as well. He's now moved from his mother's den in Jamaica to his father's in New York. He's getting ready for the new semester and I'm getting used to what it means to have a 16 year old. I've been in his life since he was 11 so it's not like me moving to Georgia is going to stop me from being stepmommy. No more calling cards means the role has stepped up a few notches. He's amazing and worth it. What I learned real quick is that the sins of the father should never be taken out on the children, step, blood, whatever. My kids are my kids. And I have 3 if you didn't know. 3 little birds upon my doorstep, singing sweet songs. The other night I stayed on the phone until 2:30 with my dear son uninstalling about 30 unnecessary, bloated, full of trouble programs off his computer he has managed to get on there since last Christmas. Totally annoying and totally normal teenager thing to do. But I loved the role of stepmommy saving suffocating computer. I was a hero receiving thanks in the end. My estranged husband is in a category of his own, but he does make wonderful kids. The one thing they have in common is that they know they are loved. And they love each other. Both are fully aware that they are blessed to have each other and they are excited about one more to the mix.
How on earth we have been able to do that in the midst of all the....kaka...God only knows. I think the thing is to just in the end put the kids first and they never doubt the love and they gain all the confidence they need to face the hard times and the changes.
So it's been an interesting few months. I still have no label on my separation besides separation. He is still legally my husband, but that is just legality. Partner would've been perfect if I didn't know so many people proudly claiming the term partner since the terms husband or wife aren't always legally validated. I think co-parent is good for now. But when it comes to the business of being married, he's still my damn husband. Feel free anyone to whisk me away from all of this. I certainly look forward to moving on one day. My dream love: artist, conversationalist, philosopher, lover of the outdoors, activist, liberal, gentle, child-loving, book enthusiast with passion for anything but wrestling. Weekends include, B&Bs, nature walks, playgroups, yard sales, art and book festivals, and the occasional drop into Sunday morning mass. Atheists need not apply. My new love sees God everywhere. My new love loves to laugh and make me laugh.
I think its time to put it out into the universe...I think this time my new love will be a she, but I could be wrong...I'm open to what the universe has in store. I am so so so over the confines of settling. This time around I plan to be a bit more patient and a bit more definitive of what I need. I have been a good wife and mother, putting my family first, but I do really hope that the days ahead I will find time to nurture what it is I need to be happy. For me, companionship is a huge part of what makes me happy. I've always been that way. So I will be patient, until my next love finds me. For now, I focus on what I've always focused on...my first loves, my kids.
And as I go into another Braxton Hicks contraction preparing me for the big day not too far down the road, I just take a deep breath and look around at how happy I am to be where I am now.
I am a happy girl, hitched or not. I am happy because there are so many other things that define me. I've learned from myself. Today I'm feeling pretty great because the little things trying to foul the moment don't seem to matter as much. In the end, following my heart, even if my heart is a bit nomadic and insists on moving all over the damn place, has been a very good thing. And knowing that leaves me smiling even when on the outside looking in there doesn't seem to be anything to smile about. And that's why I let go of other people's negative energy as much as I can. Because deep down, I know my blessings and I'm certainly not going to reject them because of someone else's judgment or insecurities. But it has taken me time to get to that place. Because the fact is the last year has been pretty traumatic. But the fact also is that I have never faced a moment of it alone. My faith, family and friends kept me grounded. So with that, I will try to come out of my little shy space hiding from my words. And when I'm not in the midst of feedings, homeschooling, diapers, etc...I'll come and share my two thoughts again as Bodhisattva. Wish me luck! I have a baby to push out and clothes to fold right about now. These things make me happy.They really do.

Comments

  1. You sound tranquil and prepared for what's to come - I do indeed wish you very good luck and lots of happiness.

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  2. Thinking of you and baby...and of course Amelia and Peppermint.

    Love and hugs!
    Jessica

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