cry baby

I am listening to something I probably shouldn't be listening to. Songs that make you cry on All Songs Considered. Lord have mercy on my sensitive self. This is like just asking for water works for hours from me. But there's nothing more fantastic than a good cry. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's cleansing. Sometimes there's not much reason. I rarely provide a water show these days with two sensitive little girls who would spend the rest of their day comforting their old ma. I get pats on the back from a child not even two and I cry even harder.

Today, there's not really much to cry about. I'm just listening to great sad songs. All they do is send me down memory road. I'm not good with the memories, but when I do, it's quite nostalgic and full of runny nose. With all the random fits of tears one can have with a house of small children, I realize I rarely let my own tears come out anymore. I do have a friend that when I see her all I want to do is cry. I think she was around so much when times were pretty difficult that my instinct is to bust out crying when I see her. She probably thinks she depresses me. But really, she's just a cathartic trigger.

The timing of this All Songs Considered, or at least me discovering it, the day after my birthday makes me laugh. I am not one of those that hates my birthday. I don't cry at getting old. I actually look forward a little more intelligence growing on me. Wisdom helps.  I am 34 now. I spent most of 33 telling people I was already 34 so it's like I'm 34 again. Somewhere along the way I forgot how old I really was. Thirty something was good enough. I took to calculating on my hands when I need to. But my goal this year is live in 34. Remember and try to enjoy it.

My little one is cuddling me. My eyes are a little wet. I am that lady on YouTube. There she is patting me as I weep listening to Tupac. Seriously. I see the cry worthiness in this song. Keep Ya Head Up. Trying, man, tryin. Head is actually up. Head is on straight. Life is well.

But I am so about always trying to get more and more out of everything and everyone around me. So that becomes a state of never quite ever being full. And this state is quite sad. To be full. In 34, I finally hope to feel a bit more full. All this pushing 34, I may just sit content with myself. Full of myself and what I have. And that'll be enough. I really am full, I just don't feel like I'm finished filling myself. A constant work in progress. And this is a little sad. It might be considered ambition, drive,, crying in front of my girls for no good reason, I'm going to say I'm going to embrace the fact I'm a cry baby and not be afraid to cry in front of my babies. Mamas cry, too!

But deep down, as I go down memory lane, I miss a lot of people no longer on my journey with me. I miss old flames, old friends, those who have passed....Today I'm going to give a little cry, maybe a runny big one, to all those I really miss having around. Someone Like You, by Adele....Oh Lord. Now I'm officially a hot ball of runny nose mess.


  1. asiyah11:32 PM

    Hahah, I had the same issue. I kept thinking I was 34 this past year. How weird!


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