Dear Harlem Mama, Unfaithful

Dear Harlem Mama,

I don't ever think I can be faithful. That's all.


Dear Unfaithful,

It is never a good idea to decide you are a certain way for the rest of you life when you haven't finished living. You are assuming you are lacking in faith based on your past. Yes, our past may define parts of us, but only as much as we let it. What is it that cannot keep your faith? Is it about your spirituality or is is about a partner? Let me see if I can come up with an answer that answers both. Your lack in faith first stems from a lack in faith in yourself. Like many things, it's a confidence issue. If you had faith in yourself, it would be easier to have faith in God or be faithful in a relationship.

Testing your faith in yourself could be as simple as meeting your own eyes in the mirror. Do you avoid looking in the mirror, too overrun with thoughts of what you see wrong? Faith in yourself comes first by looking yourself in the eyes, letting you know that you are loved, you are capable, and you are 10 more things that make you awesome. Tell yourself these things. Learn to have faith in yourself.

Trust yourself. Trust that inner gut that rears up when there is a challenge. If inner gut says no, inner gut says no. Have faith that your spirit knows a little something and is trying to help you along.  A solid foundation within your own core helps to build faithful relationships with others. Once you have established that, work on building the other relationships that require faith.

Building trust with a partner is a challenging, but very doable task. Sometimes when we cheat, we are accepting a lower standard of ourselves as our true self. If it was a part of our past, we cannot foresee a future without it. But we want a future without negative baggage such as unfaithfulness. Think of the reasons you do want to cheat. Is the sex better elsewhere? Then you should not be with this person anyway. Compatibility doesn't just mean we can sit through the same type of movies or eat at the same restaurants. Compatibility means when we get it on, no one's complaining. It must be all good under the hood or else. To avoid the "or else" we have to acknowledge what makes us unfaithful. Communicating likes and dislikes can work that out. Whatever the problem may be - things in common, conversation, sex, parenting, anything you can think of - it must be worked out through communication.

So my advice to Unfaithful is to have faith in yourself, communicate and stop lying to yourself about what you actually want. If what you want is elsewhere, stop taking home what you think is the right choice. It is obviously not the right choice for you. And if you are speaking on spiritual level, know that the world has many, many different ways to interpret God. That means that if you explore your spirituality, maybe you will find faith in places you never expected. Just know that faith in God means you have faith in loving kindness.

If your spirituality search isn't in that direction, be careful. You may just end up getting hurt and down the wrong path, the kind that reminds you of your old days when you couldn't look yourself in the mirror because your unfaithfulness dominated. I say no more to that old life. You should look forward to a renewed sense of self, full, in faith and blessed. Take the leap!


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